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- 17 January 2031
SDS: Welcome everybody to Episode 3 of the Friday Night Fight Pit! I'm "Striking" Darryl Stroligo, joined as always by the "Carnival King" Diogo Santos! We are coming to you live from the famous Anvil Arena in Pisco!
DS: More like PISS-co, Darryl! This place stinks, literally!
SDS: I thought that was you.
DS: I smell like a million bucks!
SDS (leans in): Great, you start paying me back.
SDS (chuckling): Now, all week, all day, we have felt the excitement, the buzz in the air! And why wouldn't we? This past Wednesday, it was announced on bLast that on Saturday, the 15th of February, in Dunedin, New Zealand, we will be hosting our next pay-per-view, the Valentine's Brawl!!!
DS: I LOVE it, Darryl!
SDS: It is going to be an incredible show, and we know at least one match that'll be taking place-
DS: Who cares about matches? It's going to be a crossover with the Madhouse! (nudges Stoligo with his elbow) We are going to be neck-deep in honey, my friend!
Stroligo exhales loudly through his nose. He points at the cameraman, then points to his left. The cameraman gets the hint and turns away, looking out at some fans, who take the opportunity to pose and pull funny faces on camera.
*SMACK*
DS: OW!
Several fans gasp. Others laugh.
The cameraman turns back to see Santos rubbing the back of his head and glaring at Stroligo
SDS: The Valentine's Brawl will mark the conclusion of Psycho Style Wrestling's Tour of the Pacific Island Tour, which starts next week. The Madhouse will be in Apia, Samoa, on Monday, and the Fight Pit will drop down in the Filipino capital, Manila!
DS: I can't wait.
SDS: Now, before we go further, we need to talk about the situation with... (grabs headset) Nevermind.
DS: What's up?
SDS: Jeffrey Campbell's on his way out.
DS: Oh, great. I hope it's to resign.
A hard rock theme that wouldn't feel out of place in an AC/DC album plays. The crowd cheers as the GM walks out past the two big screens with his signature big white hat and white. He wears a white dress shirt with blue stripes, vertical and horizontal, with the sleeves rolled up as always. He walks briskly but takes the chance to wave and even slap hands with a few of the fans reaching over the chain-link barrier.
He gets in the ring and takes it in for a moment.
DS: Now, say it with me. "I suck at my job. I'm leaving."
Campbell: G'day, Pisco!
The crowd pops at their city being mentioned.
SDS: I don't think he's leaving.
Campbell: Right, as we just copped an earful from ol' Darryl, we're fair dinkum headed for the VALENTINE'S BRAWL, strewth!
Another pop.
DS: Heh. He called you old.
Campbell: And let me chuck some water on that seed we planted on Monday, aye? We will be seein' a rematch for what was no doubt a Match of the Year candidate at Ascension! At the Valentine's Brawl, the Fight Pit's own Danys Vités....
Another pop.
Campbell: ... is gonna go toe-to-toe again with the Madhouse's champ, the reignin', defendin' Thunderweight Champion, El Demonio de las Heladas!
Loud boos.
Campbell: Speakin' of the Thunderweights. Last week, they copped a bit of a bum steer, gettin' canned from the show, the poor buggers. That whole barney with Grizzly and Montani-Trust me, I'm gettin' to that-kinda threw a spanner in the works. So tonight, I'm gonna sort 'em out, 'cause we got not one, not two, but three Thunderweight crackers lined up!
The crowd roars.
SDS: That is an exciting announcement.
DS: It's a distraction.
Campbell (excited to dower, starts pacing): ...Right, now that Thunder's buggered off, we gotta have a yarn about all the mad stuff goin' on with Dominion, eh-
Deep, booming trumpets play, cutting the GM off. Kruscher marches out in black tank top and track pants, and a microphone of his own. The crowd boos.
SDS: It's Kruscher! The Moscow Machine is here, and he's heading straight for the ring!
DS: If there was anybody more sick of Campbell's shit than me, it's Kruscher.
Campbell watches the Russian step into the ring with a raised eyebrow.
Kruscher: There is no craziness. There is no confusion. Only noise.
Crowd: What?
Kruscher (points to the stands, while maintaining eye contact with Campbell): Noise from nyt'ye idiotov.
DS: I understood "idiot".
SDS: You'd be correct.
The crowd boos.
Kruscher: Noise from pretenders and thieves. (points at Campbell) Noise from you.
Campbell: Listen, Krusch, mate-
Kruscher: No, YOU listen.
Campbell lowers his mic.
Kruscher: I have played your game. I played your game at the draft and I ended up sitting in the crowd watching Dominion. MY Dominion be defended by a lazy animal in a street fight with a thug. I played gatekeeper to your little "hero". (steps closer) I am THROUGH playing. You have 1 choice, Campbell. Give me a 1-on-1 match against Paul Grizzly tonight!
The crowd cheers, the potential match, not the man.
SDS: That would be one hell of a collision!
DS: Come on, Campbell! Do the right thing.
Campbell raises his mic only to be cut off by a familiar high-energy 130 BPM rock theme. The crowd cheers. Kruscher clenches his jaw.
SDS: It's Johnny Cyclone!
DS: What the hell is this kid doing here? The adults are talking!
SDS: Kruscher was getting awfully close to the GM there.
DS: Always with his hero crap.
Cyclone approaches the ring in a sleeveless hoodie and fitting jeans. He slides in and asks a crewman for a microphone. Campbell looks at him with a frown and hand on his hip.
Cyclone (holds out hand to Campbell): Now, Mr Campbell, Jeff, bless your heart, I'm sorry to butt in an' all, but I reckon I couldn't help but notice that our friend, Mr Khruschev, wasn't tellin' the whole story.
Kruscher (shaking his head): I am no one's friend. Least of all, yours.
Crowd: Ooooh!
Cyclone (looks at him, then looks down): ... Ordinarily? That'd make me really sad. I got a personal rule 'bout tryin' to get along with ever'body I can.
SDS: If only.
DS: Oh, give me a break.
Cyclone: But-and it's taken me a week to come to terms with this-(looks up and gets right in Kruscher's face) I ain't too fond of you neither, suh.
The crowd pops louder, rising to their feet as the two giants, Kruscher 196, Cyclone a full 2 metres, stare each other down.
Cyclone: ... Before you carry on 'bout this here "title" talk, reckon we oughta settle this thang 'tween you and I-
Kruscher: There is no "you and I". I (points at self) krushed YOU, last week!
Cyclone: Yeah? And the week before I ran THROUGH you! That makes us even.
Kruscher (squints): ... Even?
Cyclone: Score's 1 and 1.
Kruscher: And this makes you... what? My... equal?
Cyclone: It-
Kruscher: You are nothing. Ty malen'kiy mal'chik. A child playing dress-up, pretending to be a warrior. You do not belong here. You do not belong in my ring!
Cyclone frowns and looks away for a moment. He then smiles and shakes his head: You can paint whatever picture tickles yer fancy, but it ain't gonna change the plain ol' truth.
Kruscher: The truth is, you are not on my level!
Cyclone: You know, you might think you're the rightful World's Champion-
Kruscher: I AM the TRUE Champion!
Cyclone: Well, bless your heart, you ain't got no belt to show for it, now do ya?
Crowd: OOOOH!
Kruscher clenches his fist.
Cyclone: But you want the belt, and you know what? I do too.
Another pop.
Cyclone: So... (looks at Campbell, who is leaning against the ropes) if Mr Campbell was so inclined, what's say we run it back 1 more time and-barring this whole situation-with Vito and Mr Grizzly-(turns to face Kruscher again) the winner gets the next shot at the PSW World Dominion Championship!
SDS: I like the sound of that.
DS: What gives him the right to suggest a stipulation like that?! Damn punks these days! No respect for hierarchy.
Campbell: That sounds all well and good, mate, but-
A virtuosic guitar accompanied by heavy rock riffs plays to a pop. The two big screens show a honey badger going about its day: burrowing, climbing, looking cute, biting the balls of lions. The man himself briskly walks out, looking small, rabid and still a little wounded. He is shirtless with some brown cargo shorts.
SDS: And now it's the Honey Badger! What does he want?!
DS: Nothing good. Which makes it great?
SDS: I can still still see the imprints from Montani's fists on one side of his face and Grizzly's palm on the other. Is he seriously about to step in the ring with THESE two?
The 168-centimetre Afrikaner slides in with a mic of his own.
Badger (walks up to Kruscher): You want to tawlk about "levels", big man? Two weeks ago, when you were level with the ground courtesy of the hrrrookie over here (points at Cyclone), when the Champ wawlke out, I stepped in! Vito Montani gave me EVERYTHING. (punches himself)
SDS: Oh my God!
Badger: HE. (punches himself again)
DS: Make him stop!
Badger: HAD! (again. looks up at Kruscher with a bloody smile) And I laughed! I laughed in is foyce! Last hweek, I beat a former Heavywoyght Champion. (looks at Campbell) Yawr former Heavywoyght Champion, back at the old company.
Crowd: PP-DUB! PP-DUB! PP-DUB! PP-DUB!
Badger (looks between Cyclone and Kruscher): Back of the loyne, ouens. The Honey Badger is hunting the Bear!
Cyclone and Kruscher both tower over him, glaring.
Campbell: Real compellin' argument, Badger, but-
Some Hawaiian music remixed with alternative rock starts playing.
DS: Now, what?
The crowd pops as a large Hawaiian man with a green lei, a blue open button-up tea, tye-dyed orange tights and a long wizard beard walks out. He throws two shaka signs to loud cheers from the crowd.
SDS: Now it's Kala Kahuna. We saw him last week, suffering the aforementioned loss to Badger. Kahuna, of course, was the final Passion Project Wrestling Heavyweight Champion before it closed its doors and was sold to create Psycho Style Wrestling.
DS: How many times are you gonna talk about Campbell's failed company?
SDS: Always important to remember how we got here.
Kahuna enters the ring and gets his own mic, taking a second to clasp the GM's hand and nod.
Crowd: PP-DUB! PP-DUB! PP-DUB! PP-DUB!
Kahuna: You know, Badga? Man, you right. You beat me last week, but I notice you forget 'bout you jumpin' me before da bell ring.
Badger grits his teeth.
Kahuna: I no forget. Just like I no forget Grizzly comin down to dis ring and t'rowin' me out like a sack and man, I can't forgive dat eider. And you right about anoder t;ing, Badga. I was da PPW Champion -never lost by the way (shoots Campbell a look)- and I wanna win da big gold again, while I can still go!
The crowd pops.
Kahuna (looks at Campbell): So, bossman, how dis sound? I take care o' da rat man (points at Badger, who gets angrier) and you give me da fat man!
Badger is about to lunge at him, but Kruscher shoves him away and gets in the Hawaiian's face, standing over him by 11 centimetres.
Kruscher (points): You. At Super Fight in November, the Gauntlet Match, you were the first one I krushed. (turns to Badger) I krushed you in that same match. (to Cyclone) I krushed you last week. All three of you are beneath me (points at the stage), so get out before I throw you out.
Kahuna: I like to see you try, Russki!
Crowd: OOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHH!
The sounds of microphones dropping echo throughout the arena. The crowd roar as the 3 large men and Badger circle each other.
SDS: Oh no! We need some help out here.
DS: They're going to tear each other apart! LET TH-
An ear-piercing airhorn blasts through the speakers, silencing the crowd. The four wrestlers cover their ears. Campbell, whose ears are plugged, stands there for a full minute with a hand in his pocket and the other still holding his mic.
Eventually, he pulls his hand out of that pocket and waves at the stage until the sound stops.
SDS: Ouch!
DS: What's he trying to do? Blow all our heads off?!
Campbell waits for everyone to readjust, pulls plugs out of his ears: Palesa Juwaiyra, everybody. A Godsend.
He then stands in the middle of the foursome: Word to the wise. We got two ears and one trap for a bloody good reason.
DS: YOU ALMOST KILLED MINE!
Campbell: Now, I can dig the keenness, lads, but Valentine's Day's still a fair dinkum month off yet, eh?
Some in the crowd laugh, the ones whose ears don't still hurt.
Campbell: Listen up, yeah? Just so we're dead set clear, Vito Montani's still top dog, the Number 1 Bloke for the title. That is set in stone. You boys have to sit tight.
SDS: WHAT?!
DS: HE SNIPED THE CHAMP THE ROOF!! That palhaço should be in prison.
The crowd roars: VITO! VITO! VITO! VITO! VITO!
Campbell (waits for them): I'll tell ya what, though, Open Season's about to be cactus pretty bloody soon.
DS: What?
SDS: I think he said it's ending.
Kruscher's nose scrunches up at this news.
Campbell: But you know what? Since you blokes are all fired up, ready to go off like a frog in a sock, I reckon I'll help ya let off some steam... with a TAG TEAM MATCH!
The crowd pops.
Campbell: In our main event, it'll be the team of the Honey Badger and the Moscow Machine, Kruscher...
The crowd boos. Badger growls and Kruscher scowls.
Campbell: ... versus the team of Kala Kahuna and Johnny Cyclone!
The crowd boos. Kahuna shrugs. Cyclone nods.
Campbell: Righto, that's the whole kit and caboodle. G'day and good night!
The GM throws the mic in the air, letting it flip and fall as he struts out of the ring as his hard rock theme plays again. Kruscher glares at the Badger, who bares his teeth back. Kahuna looks at Cyclone and extends a hand, which the younger man accepts.
SDS: A huge main event made by our General Manager. But the story is Vito Montani, still the number 1 contender for the World Dominion Championship!
DS: What is wrong with this guy? Is crazy? Is he stupid?
SDS: What he is is the boss, and I think it's time everyone remembered that.
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