David Bekker: Your main event of the evening is a Tag Team Match scheduled for one fall!
A virtuosic guitar accompanied by heavy rock riffs plays to a pop. The two big screens show a honey badger going about its day: burrowing, climbing, looking cute, biting the balls of lions. The man himself briskly walks out, looking small, rabid and wounded.
David Bekker: On the way to the ring, from Hoedspruit, Limpopo, South Africa, standing 168 centimetres and weighing in at 104 kilos, the Honey Badger!
SDS: "It's not the size of the dog in the fight. It's the size of the fight in the dog." Diogo, in our short history, this man has firmly proven this old adage.
DS: Too right, companheiro. Where the hell did they make him, and where did Campbell find him?
SDS: I do not know, but I do know he's going to be a problem in this bout.
Deep, booming trumpets play. Kruscher marches out, his expression as cold and hard as his wide, muscular frame. The crowd reaction is mixed; some boo, some cheer, but no one is silent.
David Bekker: And the tag team partner, from Moscow, Russia, standing 196 centimetres and weighing in at 132 kilos, Kruscher!
SDS: At the beginning of the show, this man, the Moscow Machine, came out and declared himself the "True" World Dominion Champion and demanded a match with Paul Grizzly. He has been obsessed with winning back the title that has long been argued to be rightfully his.
DS: Campbell keeps playing games. Kruscher should be the no. 1 contender. Full stop, but then he has that criminal palhaço, Montani, still in contention? Stupidity!
SDS: The Dominion division is certainly in an odd place, but a victory tonight will only strengthen his argument. That is, if he and Badger can coexist.
DS (glares at him): Come on, man...
SDS: What? It's a classic phrase.
DS: It's cliché, and it sucks.
Kruscher enters the ring, and Badger growls at him. Head Referee "Big Joe" Wilson has to stand between the two partners as some Hawaiian music remixed with alternative rock starts playing.
The crowd pops as a large Hawaiian man with a green lei, tye-dyed orange tights and a long wizard beard. He throws up to shaka-signs, but remains on the stage.
David Bekker: And their opponents, first, from Ewa Beach, Hawaii, in the USA, standing 185 centimetres and weighing in at 130 kilos, Kala Kahuna!
SDS: Last week, Kahuna suffered a shocking loss to the Honey Badger, in part due to a pre-match assault by the latter.
DS: EXCUSES! He's just-
Lightning strikes the stage before a high-energy 130 BPM rock track blasts through the speakers.
DS: AAAAAH! EVERY SINGLE TIME WITH THAT!
The two big screens display an endless looping clip of a tornado. Johnny Cyclone walks, rolling his shoulders and cracking his neck while clenching his white-gloved fists.
David Bekker: And his opponent, from Montgomery, Alabama, in the USA, standing 2 metres tall and weighing in at 115 kilos, Johnny Cyclone!
Cyclone leaps into the air and comes crashing down, summoning a huge pyro explosion. The two men slap hands and touch shoulders before walking down the ramp together, high-fiving fans along the way.
SDS: A united front on display. Diogo, let's Cyclone here. He has proven to be the ultimate disruptor at the top of the card, intervening in Paul Grizzly's assault on Cody K. Olwagen and Vito Montani at Ascension, defeating Kruscher on our first episode, preventing Grizzly from assaulting Jeff Campbell last week and carrying Grizzly to the back when Montani sniped him.
DS: Basically, he's a hell of an athlete who doesn't know how to mind his own business! You see what happened in the back just now? How he almost ran after security to deal with whatever's going on back there? Wait, what is going on back there?
SDS: I haven't received a single update. I guess we'll find ou-OOOOOOH!!! Badger with a Dolphin Dive through the ropes! Taking out Kahuna! Another pre-match attack!
DS: This man is out of control!
Badger pulls on Kahuna's long beard, trying to rip it off. Cyclone grabs the South African and tries to pull him off.
SDS: Kruscher from behind! Bouncing Cyclone's head off the
DS: It was a trap, Darryl!
SDS: Indeed! Somehow, Kruscher and Badger came to an understanding.
Kruscher picks Cyclone off the ground by the hair and throws him into the nearby chainlink barricade. Wilson desperately tries to restore order.
Kruscher picks Cyclone up again to throw him in the ring, but the African-American elbows him several times in the gut and then punches him in the face, backing him up into the ramp.
Meanwhile, Kahuna jabs his index and middle fingers into the eyes of the Badger, allowing him to throw him off and get back to his own feet.
SDS: It's chaos. Cyclone, Kruscher, battling up the ramp. Kahuna and Badger now in the ring. Wilson with no choice but to call for the bell and start this one.
DS: So much for the tag match.
SDS: Badger with a dropkick to the knee! Kahuna is down. Badger's running the ropes. Going for the Knee Trembler. Caught! Kahuna with a ONE-ARM POWERBOMB! There's a cover. Using all his weight to fold the Badger in half!
Wilson: 1! 2! 3! Ring the bell.
DS: WOW!
Krusher knees Cyclone in the gut and elbows him in the back of his head, then looks at the ring in bewilderment.
David Bekker: Here are your winners, the team of Johnny Cyclone and Kala Kahuna!
The crowd cheers as the Hawaiian music returns. The Hawaiian himself rises to his feet and throws up the shakas, at which point Badger grabs and squeezes his balls.
DS: Great job, GM! This match solved absolutely nothing!
Kruscher grits his teeth and looks down at Cyclone with wide-eyed bloodlust. He picks up the Alabamian and drags him further up the stage.
SDS: This is not good! This is not good at all! We need help out here, and we need it now!
DS: Nah, Cyclone's finally going to get what's coming to him! Once again, he's cost Kruscher a win.
SDS: All they had to do was wrestle a proper match, and they might- For Heaven's Sake, LET GO OF HIS BALLS, BADGER!
Kahuna is on his knees, screaming as Badger squeezes tighter and tighter. Wilson tries to make him stop, but every time he gets close, the Afrikaaner snaps and claws at him.
Up on the stage, Kruscher drags Cyclone to the edge and picks him up in a Military Press.
SDS: Oh no... Nononono! He's going to throw him off the stage-
Cyclone slips out of his grip and lands on his feet. He takes a few steps back and rushes in for the Spear, the Speeding Bullet, but Kruscher boots him in the face.
DS: Nice try, kid!
Kruscher then lifts Cyclone up again, this time in the Scoop Slam position. The crowd is going ballistic.
An O.R.D.R.L.I. feed suddenly displays on the big screens, several in fact, showing flipped over cars, wrecked tables, smashed doors and bodies everywhere. Wrestlers, referees and security.
SDS: Oh my God...
Once again, the Machine prepares to throw the young hero off, only to be sent flying along with him by the man they call...
SDS: GRIZZLY! PAUL GRIZZLY IS BACK!
DS: He just sent them both to hell!
SDS: And he's heading for the ring! I thought he wasn't supposed to be here.
DS: Who told you that? Campbell said he didn't know where he was. Said he didn't care. Now look!
Badger finally ceases the manual vasectomy when he sees the Champion.
SDS: Badger with another Dolphin Dive- No, caught! MY GOD! DID YOU SEE HOW FAR HE FLUNG HIM INTO THE CROWD!
DS: HE SPINNING LIKE A BOOMERANG!
SDS: Oh no, Kahuna's defenceless. And now with the Bearhug! Squeezing the life out of the Hawaiian! Wilson desperately trying to make it stop!
Kahuna opens his mouth, but he cannot even scream, for there is no air in his lungs. In the huge arms of the 211-centimetre, near-200-kilo Champion, the big Hawaiian looks small and helpless.
Campbell (running out): Paul! Paul, stop! You're gonna kill him! STOP!
Grizzly drops Kahuna, then turns around to exit the ring.
Campbell: Listen here, you big fat bastard! If you think-
Grizzly grabs him by the throat and lifts the 90-kilo GM off the ground with one hand, while taking his microphone in the other. Campbell kicks and struggles to no avail as the windpipe is slowly closed.
Grizzly: You did this. ALL OF THIS is on YOU!
Crowd: Vito! Vito! Vito! Vito!
Grizzly: But Montani? What I do to him? THAT is on me!
The crowd boos loudly as he shoves Campbell back down and lumbers back up the ramp, leaving the Aussie to clutch his throat and gasp for air.
SDS: What did I say last week, Diogo? A pissed-off Paul Grizzly is a problem for EVERYBODY!
DS: Yeah, and as much as it's Campbell's fault, it's equally the fault of that palhaço, Vito Montani! He is going to get his. He HAS to, or we're not going to make it to the Valentine's Brawl!
Grizzly stands on the stage, now holding the prize at the centre of all this mayhem, Dominion.
Crowd: VITO! VITO! VITO!
The Champion raises the belt high above his head and roars as the Friday Night Fight Pit comes to a close.
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