A fast-paced, energetic rock tune plays to the delight of the crowd.
Shamoon: Here we go!
Briar Lane: The following is a tag team match scheduled for ONE FALL!
Crowd: ONE FALL!
Pillars of smoke rise on the stage. Elsa and Eeva, two twin ponytailed ladies, speed out of the sliding doors with their helmets, respective red and purple plaid skirts and roller skates. They slide to a stop at the base of the ramp before splitting off to ride around the ring.
Dominga: What the hell is this?
Elsa and Eeva meet at the base of the ramp once again and slide into the ring.
Dominga: I'll ask again. What. The hell. Is this?
A.B.: They are Elsa Filipsson and Eeva Mustonen, former speed skating champions from Sweden and Finland, respectively.
Dominga: What the hell are they doing here?
Shamoon: To wrestle, of course.
Dominga: This is a joke, right? Tell me this is a joke.
A.B.: Hardly. They were trained and prepped by Kalavina Leota to make the jump and have mastered the art of wrestling on roller skates.
Dominga: Everything you just said makes me hate having ears.
The Queens take off their skirts and helmets, revealing black shorts underneath. They stretch and shake their wrists.
The crowd pops as a bopping beat is heard. Two tiger outlines, one orange and one green, slide onto the titantron from either side and overlap each other. The JabbarTV logo appears on screen over a series of video clips showing the Jabbar twins performing crazy wrestling moves on each other in all manner of locations.
The brothers walk out with a phone and a camera each, recording the crowd and recording themselves recording the crowd.
Dominga: I want to be on the Fight Pit.
A.B.: Stop it.
Dominga: Oh, come on! They've got 7-foot monsters and the perfect man, Dennis Zázrak. We have roller skaters and YOUTUBERS!
Shamoon: Have you ever seen either of these teams wrestle?
Dominga: NO! I've got more important things to do with my time.
A.B.: Well, then, prepare to be pleasantly surprised.
Briar Lane: And the opponents, from Karachi, Sindh, Pakistan, at a combined weight of 381 pounds, Chakir and Chelem, JABBARTV!
The Jabbar's each get on one side turnbuckle, still filming the crowd while throwing up the ones.
They hop down and even film the Queens, who pose for the camera.
Dominga: Am I supposed to be pleasantly surprised yet?
A.B.: The match hasn't started.
Shamoon: Geez. You are a stick in the mud.
Dominga: It's called the Madhouse, and I haven't seen any madness.
The twins put down their cameras and took off their shirts, red and blue, respectively. They play Rock-Paper-Scissors to see who starts. On the other end, the Queens wait patiently. The crowd finds it amusing. The referee, Atoye Bonds, does not.
Neither does Dominga: I. Am about. To put on my mask!
A.B.: You promised your family you wouldn't.
Dominga: Yeah, and I was promised a wrestling show.
Chakir wins, and Chelem has to exit. On the other side, Eeva punches Elsa in the arm, indicating that she wants to start. Elsa rubs her arm and scowls, but exits without protest.
A.B.: Interesting dynamics on both sides. And there's the bell, match-up underway. Eeva Mustonen starting things off against Chakir Jabbar and Aaz you can immediately see the clear size difference.
Shamoon: Yeah, one of those unfortunate drawbacks, or benefits, depending on whose asking, of intergender competition. 9 times out of 10, the men are bigger and stronger. Eeva's 5'5", 130, Chakir is 5'10", 189.
A.B.: That being said, you'd have to give the speed advantage to the women in this match-up. The Queens have been clocked running- well, skating the ropes
Eeva and Chakir circle each other. Chakir has his hands up, bobbing his head side to side. Eeva has her hands and head lower, moving on her skates.
Dominga: Roller skates. She is on roller skates. How do you even lock up with someone when there's no grip under feet?
Chakir goes for a quick grapple, but Eeva ducks to the side and kicks him in the leg. Hard.
Dominga: Oh.
Shamoon: Simple. You don't.
Chakir laughs it off, readjusts and tries again. Eeva again side-steps him and kicks him in that same leg. Even harder. Enough to make him yelp and limp slightly.
Dominga: Oof!
A.B.: Mustonen showing some speed and precision early with those leg kicks. Chakir may need to change strategies here.
Chakir, now deadly serious, tries one more time and receives the hardest and loudest leg kick yet.
A.B.: Did you hear that?
Dominga: Hear it? I felt it. Break his damn leg!
A.B.: Calm down.
Chakir screams and starts yelling at the ref: Do something!
Bonds: Are you injured?
Chakir: No, but-
Bonds: Boy, get back in there or tag out!
Dominga: Three kicks and he's already complaining?
Shamoon: Leg kicks hurt.
Dominga: That's the point!
Chakir waved his arms about, yelling, "Nope! Nope! Nope!" while limping over to his corner. The crowd audibly boos. He tags in Chelem to face off with Eeva.
Eeva, however, looks at the twins with sudden disgust and tags in Elsa.
A.B.: So now it's Elsa Filipsson against Chelem Jabbar.
Shamoon: Similar size disparity. Elsa 5'7", 134. Chelem 5'11, 192.
Dominga: Hopefully, that extra size makes him less of a bitch.
Shamoon: Dominga, we're live!
Dominga: On a TV-14 show. Grow up.
Chelem does a mad dash, attempting to shoot low. Elsa leaps over him and performs a sunset flip powerbomb.
A.B.: Pinning combination! Chelem kicks out at 2!
Both combatants roll backwards and get to their feet. Chelem decides to go for a spinning roundhouse, but Elsa does a Matrix-style dodge and quickly catches him in a roll-up for another 2.
Dominga: How did she do that without falling over?
Shamoon: You sound pleasantly surpr-
Dominga: Shut up, Shamoon!
A.B.: Filipsson proving to be a frustrating opponent in the early goings.
Chelem, frustrated indeed, charges again recklessly, chasing Elsa around the ring. The speed skater rolls backwards with her hands behind her back and a mocking smirk, dodging his sloppy swings. The crowd laughs.
Chakir: Come on, Chelem! You're making us look bad!
But then disaster strikes. Elsa suddenly slips and falls backwards.
Dominga: I knew it! I knew roller skates in a ring were dumb-
Before Chelem can pounce, he gets eight wheels to the face courtesy of Eeva.
A.B.: OOH! Mustonen with a Missile Dropkick of the ropes!
Dominga: Wait, what?! Why?
Elsa smiles and rolls out onto the apron.
Dominga: Hold it. There wasn't a tag!
Shamoon: Check the replay. The "slip" was a ruse.
Dominga (looks at monitor): What are you-- Wait, you mean while Filipsson was dancing around the ring she tagged out? I didn't see that. Jabbar didn't see that. How did the ref see it?
A.B.: It was the blindest of blind tags and- Cover by Eeva! This could be it. Chakir breaks it up! That was close. It has been all Track Queens since the opening bell.
Shamoon: I was really expecting more from the Jabbars here. I thought they were daredevils, man.
A.B.: They need to get their heads in the game and fast. Remember, the tag team championships are currently held by Pandemonium on the Fight Pit. And the former champions, Team Wallace, also on the Fight Pit, are no doubt going to be on the hunt. Any Madhouse team looking to bring them over is going to have to establish themselves early, and the Track Queens are looking like top contenders.
Dominga: Okay, abuelo, calm down. I'll admit, the roller skaters can wrestle, but you don't seriously think that they stand a chance against those monsters, do you? I mean, it would be funny to watch, but come on.
A.B.: Dominga, if I had a nickel for every "never should have" I've seen in this business...
Shamoon: Wait, people still use nickels?
A.B.: It's a figure of speech, Aaz...
Eeva has Chelem in a headlock, but he picks her up for a back suplex, which she back flips out of. She then proceeds to dropkick him in the back, making him fall over the middle rope.
Dominga: They're seriously allowed to dropkick people with wheels on their feet.
Eeva jumps on his back, almost choking him on the ropes while the ref starts counting. Chakir is screaming from his corner.
A.B.: Didn't expect you, of all people, to complain.
Dominga: I'm not. Just curious what the rules are.
A.B.: Some were proposed. Sara Williams shot them down.
Eeva breaks the count and tags Elsa in.
Dominga: Of course, she did.
Elsa full sprints to the other side of the ring. As soon as her back hits the rope adjacent to the Jabbars' corner, Chakir slaps her on the butt from the outside. Elsa lets a yelp of her own and stares at him, stunned. A few members of the crowd boo, and Bonds gives a verbal warning.
A.B.: Oh, come on!
Shamoon: Seriously?
Dominga: As a woman, I find that kind of thing gross... However, he did stop whatever they were going for and put Filipsson off-balance.
Chakir (playful smirk): What? Isn't that a tag?
Bonds: She's not on your team. You know what you were doing.
Chakir: What was I doing? What was I doing? What-
Elsa leaps into the air and enziguri kicks him off the apron.
Shamoon: How's that for off-balance?
Chelem starts to recover, but Eeva axe kicks him to keep him in place: Elsa, kiirehdi!
Elsa rushes over to Chelem, who is still draped over the middle rope and hits a tiger feint kick to his face, sending him backwards and leaving him supine on the mat.
A.B.: Filipsson with the Swede19! Tag to Mustonen!
Elsa then sprints back in the direction of Chakir and performs a dropkick through the ropes to the outside, sending him crashing into the announce desk.
Dominga: Dios mio!
A.B.: Can't say that wasn't deserved, but look at Mustonen. On the top turnbuckle. She calls this the Corkscrew 720!
Eeva, with her back to Chelem, leaps into the air, spinning and flipping and landing with a splash. A Phoenix Splash. Bonds counts the 1, 2, 3! The crowd pops as their music blasts threw the speakers.
A.B.: Track Queens win!
Shamoon: That was academic.
Dominga: Academic? That was a "getting a poor report card in the 1960s"-level ass-whooping! Credit where it's due, the Queens got it. I don't see them as Champions just yet, but if they keep performing like that? Who knows? The Jabbars should change their names to the Joke-Rs, because they're a joke!
A.B.: They just could not get out of the gate.
Shamoon: You said it yourself. Every tag team match matters. They came in looking to have fun, and I guess they didn't hear the bell ring.
Dominga: They lost to girls half their size on roller skates on the first episode. Get them out of here!
Eeva motions like she's dusting herself off. Elsa slides back into the ring and approaches with her fist outstretched. Eeva tries to reciprocate, only to get punched in the arm by her partner as payback for earlier.
Eeva rubs her sore arm and scowls, while Elsa points at her with raised eyebrows.
Dominga: Okay, what is with these two?
A.B.: They were longtime rivals. Some embers are still left over it seems.
Elsa notices Chelem starting to stir and goes to help him up, taking a wide stance as she does. Chakir crawls into the ring, clutching the back of his head. Elsa glares it and he holds up his hand, muttering an apology for the butt slap and even extending a hand.
The Queens look at each other, before Elsa shrugs and accepts. Eeva shakes her head.
Dominga: She's a better woman than me. I'll give her that.
A.B.: Well, sometimes a few hard knocks are enough to straighten someone out.
Chakir then goes to collect his phone and proposes a group selfie. The Queens are hesitant. After a bit of prodding (and pleading), they accept. Chelem is still dazed on his feet, but he seems to notice something off-camera.
Dominga: You cannot be serious. Scratch that, no, they aren't serious. At all.
The crowd is starting to go into to a frenzy.
Shamoon: Hey... wait a minute.
A.B.: Oh my God...
Dominga: What are you- Oh...
As Chakir tries to get them all in the frame, Chelem tries to utter a warning.
Shamoon: Guys, get out there. GET OUT OF-
The four of them are suddenly knocked over like bowling pins by the large and rabid Tongan Terror, who then proceeds to unleash hell upon each of them.
A.B.: Kaivao Manu! Kaivao Manu of the Madness! What the hell is this about? And there's Hunapo Henare, the Maori Menace, joining this absolute mugging. And now the ring leader, that Samoan Sicko, Lulu Asovale! Last night, she wreaked havoc inside of a steel cage. Now she's siccing her barbaric "brothers" on the Track Queens and the Jabbars.
Shamoon: But why? Why are they doing this?
Dominga: Because they want to. Because they can!
Asovale, Henare and Manu grab the battered Elsa, Eeva and Chakir, respectively by the hair. They hold up out their thumbs and scream before hitting stereo Samoan spikes to the throats of their victims.
Shamoon: Somebody do something! Call the police! Call animal control!
Manu and Henare isolate the Chelem.
Asovale: Pick him up! PICK HIM UP NOW!
A.B.: Come on, no! He's been through enough. Don't do this!
The two large force Chelem to his feet and drape his arms over their shoulders. They then lift him with a belly-to-back hold and place his legs on Asovale's shoulders. She executes a powerbomb while the other two push him down with great force.
A.B.: Triple Powerbomb. Chelem Jabbar might have been broken in half.
Shamoon: Please tell me they're done. Please tell me they're satisfied.
The Queens and Chakir lay writhing on the mat, clutching their throats. Chakir desperately tries to crawl to his twin, but Henare plants a boot on his back, keeping him from moving. Asovale demands a microphone and snatches it from the crewman at ringside.
She takes a moment to collect herself, puffing herself up with air, looking like a bullfrog with braids. Finally, she speaks.
No, she screams: SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINGAAAAAAANIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!
The crowd is screams back, a mix of terror, the name drop pop and awe.
Asovale: WELCOME TO THE MAAADHOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUSSSSSSSSEEE!!!!
She then slams the microphone on the mat and spreads her arms. Henare lets out a roar, while Manu shakes his head, howling.
Dominga: Now those... are some top contenders.
A.B.: God help us all...
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