Dominga: Ha! Based on what?
Shamoon: I don't know. I just always thought they were cool.
Dominga: First red flag.
Pop/Rap fusion song plays, and out walks Roger Evans, clad as always in his Hawaiian shirt, fedora, Whiteout sunglasses and of course, the Bloodbath Championship over his shoulder. The crowd reaction is mixed.
A.B.: And here comes Crimson Flag, sorry, I meant King.
Briar Lane: Please welcome the Crimson King, Roger Evans!
A.B.: You know, some would say what went down between the Jabbars and the Track Queens just now is partially his fault.
Shamoon: How is it his fault?
Dominga: Because he sucks!
Shamoon: How is it his fault?
Dominga: Because he sucks!
Shamoon: How does he suck when he's the Champ?
A.B.: He hasn't had a serious challenger yet.
Dominga: Yeah, I was hoping Ethan Stewart would have killed him by now. Where is he, anyway?
Evans hops and slides on the apron, while holding the middle rope. He comes to step and enters the ring, holding up his belt for the Apia fans to see. He then calls for a microphone and takes centre stage.
Evans: What's up-IIIIIAAAAAA???!!!
Evans: What's up-IIIIIAAAAAA???!!!
The crowd cheers.
Evans: Get it? I, like, took "What's up?" and "Apia", and made, like, one sentence. What's Upia?
Having received this explanation, the crowd is less welcoming.
Shamoon: Oh come on! It was clever!
A.B. & Dominga: No, it wasn't!
Evans: Yeah, yeah, whatever. And just for the record, (points at Jumbotron) I had nothing to do with that, except for being and defending my title. And by the way, just in case anyone's keepin' count (holds up belt), this is my 4th week as the Bloodbath Champion!
The crowd boos.
A.B.: Unfortunately.
Dominga: It's felt like a year.
Evans: And I totally get it. I wasn't anyone's first choice.
A.B.: He wasn't a choice at all.
Evans: Hell, this wasn't even really my choice. Coach Tonye called me up, and he said, "Kid, you're going to Psycho Style Wrestling." And I was like, "Psycho Style? Like, Psycho Style Psycho Style? Dude, sign me up!" And then I signed up, and I showed up at Ascension and walked out as the Champion in my very first match!
The crowd boos again.
Evans: Come on! How often does that happen? That's, like, once in a lifetime.
Evans: Come on! How often does that happen? That's, like, once in a lifetime.
More boos.
Dominga: I still can't believe it.
Shamoon: It happened.
Evans: So, if you think about it, it doesn't really matter what happens tonight, or next week. I've already made history!
Dominga: Oh for f-
Woman's voice: Stop. Please stop.
Dominga: Oh, no. No. NO!
A.B.: It's Luisa Festa!
She comes out to a cheering crowd. Her eyes copper brown and she shows no signs of her usual... elevation.
Dominga: Look, how sober she looks. I knew it! They found
Evans (waves): Hey, Festa! How's it going? (rubs back of neck) You, uh, get my DM?
Festa (cocks eyebrow): Aee don't have social media.
Evans (freezes, eyebrows raising): You... don't?
Festa (shakes head): Nope.
The crowd laughs.
Shamoon: Oof.
Evans (lowers hand and slides it in pants pocket): Never... mind then. So, maybe-
Festa: Aee do have a boyfriend.
The crowd laughs harder.
Evans (nods): ... Okay then.
Festa (narrows her eyes): Aee also don't like jyou.
Dominga: First time in my life I've agreed with her.
Evans (frowns): Okay then. What the hell do you want?
Festa (points): Aee want that.
Evans: ... I can't see what you're pointing at. You're really far away.
A.B.: Is playing stupid or just plain stupid?
Festa: The Bloodbath Title.
Evans (looks at belt): Oh.
Festa (shakes her head with her eyes closed): Honestly, Aee thought someone who was trained by two legends like Tonye Carrera and Martin Zázrak would have more respect for the business.
Dominga: You tell him, sister!
Evans: Whoa whoa whoa! I totally got tons o' respect for the business.
Festa: So what was all that about making history and nothing mattering?
Evans: C'mon, I was just havin' fun. Playin' up the crowd.
A.B.: So he's an inauthentic court jester? Who knew?
Festa: All the more reason to beat you. Someone who gets off on upsetting peepol shouldn't be a champion.
A.B. (sighs): If only.
Dominga: She's one to talk. Didn't she ruin Talon and Dubois' relationship with that phoney couples therapy skit?
Shamoon: Those two were already a mess, plus they were ganging up on her for weeks.
The 20-year-old Californian takes off his hat and scratches with a raised eyebrow.
Evans: Yyyyyeeeaaaahhh...., that's not how it works. You see, to become a champion, you have to, like, win a championship.
A.B.: I'm fairly certain that's not what she meant.
Shamoon: He's just clearing it up for the newbies.
Evans: And, like, you might have missed it, 'cause you were, like, you know, unconscious...
Festa rolls her eyes. The crowd boos.
Evans: ...but, uh, I won the Cage Match at Ascension, and I've been winning and I'm totally gonna keep winning and if I, like, get bored, I'll move to the next belt, and the next and the one after that. Hey, maybe I'll, like, win the World Dominion belt and become, like, the face of the company or something. (Strokes chin) Yeah, I'd totally become top guy.
A.B. (clutches chest): God forbid!
Dominga (holds head in hands): Make it stop. Make it go away.
Shamoon (shakes head): You guys are such drama queens.
Festa: Jyou are delusonaal!
Evans(Does a spin and then DABS): I'm the champ!
The crowd screams and cringes in absolute horror.
Shamoon: Yeah!
Dominga (Stands up): I'm out of here.
A.B. (lightly grabs her arm and pulls her down): We have a job to do. Just hang in there.
Dominga (slumps into chair, sulking): If he starts flossing, I'm announcing my retirement.
Festa puts the microphone in the front waistband of her booty shorts. She then takes her gloved hands and completely covers her face, throwing her head back and sniffing her palms, as captured by the camera.
Evans takes off his glasses and looks weirded out.
Dominga: Ah... AH! She's doing it! She's doing it again! Sharma! Shabani! Drug test! DRUG TEST!!!
When Festa removes her hands, her eyes are completely completelt white, save for her tiny black pupils. The crowd is in awe as she stands there with her mouth open in exhalation and her hands raised over her head.
Dominga: DRUG TEEEEEST!
Shamoon: For the last time, it's just contact.
A.B.: I don't know, Aaz. Something is not right with that girl.
With one hand still raised, she grabs the microphone and holds it upside down above her mouth.
Festa: Not fur loooong... becos tonight, Aee challenge jyou... (points at him) to a... hard... core... match... for... CRIMSON!!!
The crowd pops.
Evans (throws glasses away and stretches out arms while holding the belt): Fine with me, dudette, and hey, if it, like, makes you feel any better, (mockingly claps) I'll, like, totally clap for you after I beat you.
Festa (smiles wide and starts doing her signature tubeman dance to the ring): Aee was going to do the same... for... jyou.
Dominga: DRUG TEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSST!!!!!!
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