The actual match is well underway. Tom, no longer wearing his top hat and shades, stomps on El Soldado in the corner. Dick is on the apron, while Harry stands on the outside yelling insults with tissues in his bloody nose. Referee Dan Masters is issuing warnings and starting the five-count.
SDS: Presley needs to be careful here. Tag. In comes-
DS: BIG DICK!
SDS: Really?
SDS (sighs): Buffoonery aside, Dick Jagger is a big man, 196 centimetres in height, 141 kilos. El Soldado trying to fight back! He weighs 86, Diogo. It's like watching a child- Clubbing blow by Jagger! Shutting him down.
DS: That's right, he should be in the Thunderweight division! He's outmatched here. Either that or go back to the... Space Force.
SDS: I wouldn't go that far, but since you mentioned, we will be seeing some Thunderweight action here tonight: Danys Vités vs the newly-signed El Cirujano. And now Jagger, lifting Soldado up in the gorilla press. Presley tags back in. What do they have planned here?
Tom gets down on one knee. Dick drops Soldado gut-first onto that knee.
DS: Nice teamwork!
SDS: Cover here. Kickout by Soldado. And now a sleeper applied by Presley, a legitimately skilled technician, who also comes in at 86. He might do well in the Thunderweight division as well.
Mallory (slapping his turnbuckle): Come on, Soldado!
DS: Hendrix too. He's 95, and the limit is...?
SDS: 100. But I'm not so sure about him just yet. But back to the match, what do you make of these two teams and their respective claims of "taking over" the division and "picking up the Wallaces' slack"? It's only the first episode, but do you think that's possible?
DS: I could say anything's possible, Darryl. Wait, look at this!
Tom, while keeping his grounded headlock applied, lifts his leg as high as he can. Dick reaches in and slaps it, resulting in a tag.
SDS: Unique tag. Jagger with a big elbow drop on the trapped Soldado.
Tom leaves, and Dick goes for the pin.
SDS: Kickout again by Soldado!
DS: Guy's tough, I'll give him that. Still don't like his gimmick. But yeah, I'll say anything's possible. I might get cleared of all my alimony. We might finally have World Peace. BBLs may become mandatory worldwide. All of these things could be possible-
SDS: What was that last one?
DS: -but they're not, because of who's at the top, and the top of the Tag division is Pandemonium. If they could do what they did to the Wallaces, nah, to Axel Wallace? Man, I don't like anyone else's chances. I do like these guys, though, Tom, Dick and Harry, but I don't want to hear their "music" again, so... Soldado needs to make a tag soon.
SDS: On that, we agree. Mallory is the freshest man, and at 185 centimetres and 110 kilos, he's got the best chance of matching Jagger physically, though not by much.
Jagger picks up Soldado for another gorilla press, only this time, with one hand.
DS: Look at this! Look at this strength by Big Dick!
SDS: Stop calling him- Soldado slips out of Jagger's grip—sunset flip attempt.
DS: But Dick's too big!
Dick tries sitting on Soldado, but the latter gets out of the way, causing the latter to land on his tailbone.
SDS: Seated... (chuckles) Damn you, Santos...
DS: I'll be here all night!
SDS: Soldado with the tag, and here comes the Major! Rights and lefts, jabs and hooks to Big Dick!
DS: Haha. You said it!
Mallory forces Dick back into the ropes, then sends him running with an Irish Whip. When Dick comes running back, Mallory drops down to the mat, forcing the big man to jump over him or trip. Dick keeps running and uses the ropes to run back, only to get caught by a...
SDS: Sit-out Spinebuster by Mallory! He calls it the Mallarmory! There's the pin! Presley breaks it up; that was close. Soldado back in. Sling blade to Presley!
Soldado boots the downed Presley out of the ring and goes back to his corner. Mallory drags Dick over and tags Soldado, who then climbs the turnbuckle.
SDS: Mallory getting Jagger back to his feet, and look at this strength. Lifting the big man up on his shoulders for the Electric Chair. Soldado up top. This doesn't look good for- What is Hendrix doing?
Hendrix gets on the apron, screaming at Masters, at Soldado. Masters yells at him to get down, but Hendrix keeps yelling and trying to enter the ring, shaking the ropes, which causes Soldado to slip and crotch himself. The crowd angrily boos.
SDS: Oh, come on! Get him out of here! Disqualify them!
Dick takes this opportunity to claw Mallory in the eyes, forcing the Major to drop him. Dick falls behind Mallory and shoves the Major into his partner, knocking Soldado off completely, at which point Hendrix gets off.
DS: Haha! Brilliant.
Dick bends Mallory forward, pulls one of the Major's arms back between his legs, while hooking the other arm.
DS: Uh oh! Pumphandle. What does he call this?
SDS: He calls this the Amp Slam!
Dick uses the hold to lift Mallory up over his shoulder, carries Mallory to the centre of the ring and falls forward with a powerslam.
DS: Wait... no! Please don't.
Crowd: No! No! No!
Dick hooks the leg, and Masters slides in to count the pin.
DS: Mallory, kick out!
Masters: 1...
SDS: Cover by Jagger.
Masters: 2...
Crowd: NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!
DS: Please kick out! I don't want to hear that song aga-
Masters: 3! Ring the bell!
SDS: It's over! Dick and Harry win. Cover your ears, everyone!
David Bekker: Here are your winners, Tom Presley and Dick Jagger!
The music doesn't start playing just yet. Dick wipes his hands. Tom and Harry slide back into the ring and pat him on the back. They line up with Harry in the centre, who holds up his hands and counts down from 3.
SDS: And now they're stomping away at Devin Mallory!
DS: They said they were taking over, Darryl! This is them stamping their claim.
SDS: That is not the correct phrase at all!
DS: Oh, so now you know English?
Masters tries to pull them off Malllory. The bell rings over and over, but they don't stop. Soldado recovers and slides in to intervene. He clotheslines Tom and knocks down Harry, but gets booted by Dick.
SDS: And there's El Soldado, trying to help his partner, but he's outnumbered. This is awful.
DS: As long as their music's not playing, they can do whatever they want.
Harry grabs Soldado in a front facelock, sticks his tongue out while doing the sign of the horns and finishes him off.
SDS: And there's the DDT, Drop D Tuning by Hendrix. Like a damn vulture. Oh no...
The trio lines up again and holds up their imaginary instruments.
DS: Campbell... Campbell, please! Don't let them play it!
Harry points at the stage, signalling to the back for their music to be played.
SDS: If you don't want this show taken off the air permanently, don't do it!
The arena suddenly goes dark.
SDS: What's this now?
DS: They killed the power to the whole building, Darryl! That's good, plausible deniability.
A white light appears on the stage area, and the crowd goes nuts as a sinister choir sings.
SDS: Wait a minute? I know that light.
The lantern is raised, giving form to a towering, female silhouette along with a plain silver mask and large straw hat.
SDS: It's Tình Nhân! The Mother of the Darkness and there are her sons, the new Tag Team Supreme, Mộng Dữ and Hổn Loạn. We weren't supposed to hear from them until later!
Pandemonium follows their mother down to the ring, the titles in their hands.
DS: Later always become NOW, Darryl! And just look at these pessoal, they are HUGE! They have to be 213 centimetres each, because Tình Nhân, she's 60+, but she still looks 196-
SDS: Hổn Loạn's on the move! Tom, Dick and Harry better clear out!
Hổn Loạn briskly walks past and steps over the ropes. Harry and Tom hide behind Dick, who immediately runs out of the ring. Tom follows, leaving Harry alone. He tries to get away, but the rage mask-wearing monster already has his hand around the rockstar's throat.
SDS: Chokeslam! Hendrix bounces on the ring mat like a rubber ball.
Tom quickly slides back in to drag the comatose Harry out.
SDS: You want to "take over", rockstars? That's who you have to take out.
The Battalion Bros are helped away from the ringside area. Hổn Loạn holds the rope open for his mother, lowering his head in submission. Tình Nhân lightly pats his head upon entering. Mộng Dữ enters through his own set of ropes, stiff, slow and vacant behind his own Cthulhu mask. Tình Nhân calls for a microphone and stands in the centre of the ring.
The arena goes dead silent.
No comments:
Post a Comment