Briar Lane: The following is a Triple Threat Tornado Tag Team Match, and it is scheduled for one fall!
Crowd: ONE FALL!
Pillars of smoke rise on the stage. Elsa and Eeva, two twin ponytailed ladies, speed out of the sliding doors with their helmets, respective red and purple plaid skirts and roller skates. They slide to a stop at the base of the ramp before splitting off to ride around the ring.
Briar Lane: Introducing first, at a combined weight of 264 pounds, Elsa and Eeva, the TRACK QUEENS!
Dominga: I'll say it again, give these two all the credit and, I guess, Leota too. They surprised me with their roller skate wrestling, but I hope they understand they're in there with more than Tubers this time. A LOT more.
A.B.: I imagine they are fully aware. They have to be.
Elsa and Eeva meet at the base of the ramp once again and slide into the ring. They each climb the ropes and throw up the sign of the horns, before hopping down and throwing off their helmets and plaid skirts.
Dominga: Settle down, Aazif.
Shamoon: I didn't even say anything!
Dominga: That's what I'm worried about.
The crowd pops as a bopping beat is heard. Two tiger outlines, one orange and one green, slide onto the titantron from either side and overlap each other. The JabbarTV logo appears on screen over a series of video clips showing the Jabbar twins performing crazy wrestling moves on each other in all manner of locations.
The brothers walk out with a phone and a camera each, recording the crowd and recording themselves recording the crowd.
Dominga: Did they seriously not learn their lesson from last week?
Briar Lane: And the opponents, from Karachi, Sindh, Pakistan, at a combined weight of 381 pounds, Chakir and Chelem, JABBARTV!
The Jabbar's each get on one side turnbuckle, still filming the crowd while throwing up the ones.
They hop down and even film the Queens, who unlike last week, don't pose for the camera. Elsa shakes her head. Eeva throws up the middle finger.
A.B.: Now, that was unnecessary.
Dominga: No, it's very necessary. They had their fun last week, and got killed for it. Put the camera down and get serious.
The twins take offence, put down their devices, take off their shirts and walk closer.
Referee Georgia Holiday gets between them all.
Chakir: What's your problem, huh?
Elsa: You don't belong in this match, that's the problem!
Chelem: Says who?! Who are you to tell us where we belong?
Elsa: We BEAT you!
Chakir: We let you win!
Eeva: Paskaa!
Chelem (shoves Eeva): Try beating us now!
Dominga: That's more like it!
Shamoon: The Madness haven't even come out yet and there all about to get it on, right now!
Dominga: Let them! Adele! Let them go at it!
Eeva lunges at Chelem. Chakir takes a swing at Elsa, who trips him and starts raining down punches on him. Chelem throws Eeva aside and pulls Elsa off his brother, only for Eeva to come back and jump on his back.
A.B.: Referee needs to get this under control! The match hasn't started yet. We're still waiting for-
A growling female voice is heard yelling “Faavalevale!” The four wrestlers in the ring stop fighting at the look at the stage. A deep male voice yells “Porangi!” then an even deeper male voice roars “Vale!” All three then together scream, "MADNESS!" before a deep bass guitar and tribal drums are heard.
The titantron shows chains swinging from side to side as the sliding doors open. Asovale comes out first, her beaded braids covering her eyes. Henare and Manu flank her, rolling shoulders and frothing at the mouth respectively. All three have mics in their hands.
Briar Lane: Finally, accompanied to the ring by Lulu Asovale, at a combined weight of 615 pounds, Hunapo Henare, Kaivao Manu-
Asovale: SHUT UP!
Lane jumps in fear.
Asovale (looking out at the crowd): LAAAMBAANOOOOOOOOG!
The crowd screams, a mix of terror, the name-drop pop and awe.
Asovale: Welcome to the MADHOOOOUUUUUUSSSEEE!
Shamoon: Isn't it a little late in the show to-
Dominga: Shut up, Shamoon! She can welcome whoever, whenever she wants.
The Track Queens stand ready. The Jabbars beckon the monsters to come down.
Asovale: Brothas, do ya SEE that? Do ya SMELL that? Do ya FEEL that? It's-
Henare: Fear!
Asovale: It's-
Manu: Panic!
Asovale: It's-
Henare: Anxiety!
Asovale: It's-
Manu: Paranoia!
Asovale: NO! ... It... is...
All three (wide-eyes, even wider smiles): MADNESS!
The microphones drop. The trio sprints like hounds from hell. Henare hits the ring first. The Jabbars try to jump him. Asovale hits the ring next. The Track Queens try to jump her. Manu reaches the ring last, by which point the Maori and the Samoan are already holding each of their would-be assailants by the hair.
Asovale smacks the Swede and the Fin's skulls against each other and drops them. Henare sends the Pakistani twins into a double clothesline from the Tongan, who shakes his massive afro about.
A.B.: The bell still hasn't rung, and the Madness are the only ones standing!
Holiday (slaps Asovale on the back): Hey, you're not in this match! Get o-
Asovale spins around, and Holiday practically jumps out of the ring.
Dominga: What was that you were saying about "control", Alf?
Asovale (grabs Manu and Henare by the hair): SMASH. THEM. ALL!
She then lets go and leaves the ring, as the Queens and the Jabbars groggily get back to their feet. Holiday gets back in the ring and calls for the bell.
A.B.: And NOW, the match is underway!
Shamoon: Two-thirds of the participants can barely stand!
A crunching noise is heard. Balducci and Shamoon look right to see Alvarez eating spicy popcorn.
Dominga (holding it out): Want some?
Henare charges the skaters. Eeva dropkicks his knee, and Elso dropkicks his face. Manu charges the twins, who sidestep him, leading to him colliding with the corner. The Jabbars proceed to jump the monster, peppering him with punches and kicks to the back and legs, while the Queens kick and stomp on Henare. Holiday runs around back and forth, mostly to watch.
A.B.: Great start by the Jabbers and the Queens, aggression and-
Manu elbows Chelem in the face, then grabs Chakir's throat with both hands and throws him over the top rope, out of the ring. Henare shrugs off the Queens' assault, hits Eeva with a throat thrust and grabs Elsa's face so he can headbutt her out of the ring.
A.B.: Nevermind.
Shamoon: Eeva and Chelem are alone in there.
Manu grabs Chelem, and Henare grabs Eeva. Each man holds his quarry under his arm with ease.
A.B.: Look at this, it's like they're carrying children! Stereo Sidewalk Slam! Both men going for the cover. Chelem and Eeva kick out! (rounds on Alvarez) Can you NOT chew into your microphone?!
Dominga (mouth full): Shory!
Shamoon: Chakir's back on the apron! Springboard-
A.B.: Caught! ODDIO!
Alvarez nearly chokes on her popcorn.
Shamoon: We have to see this again! I don't know what Chakir Jabbar was going for. Kaivao Manu catches him in mid-air and throws him with a Fallaway Slam. Then Hunapo Henare catches him and hits a backbreaker.
A.B.: I have never seen that in my 30 years- Cover! Eeva's still down! Manu's blocking Chelem! CHAKIR KICKS OUT!
Alvarez coughs and chugs a bottle of water. Asovale is clapping and laughing loudly. Eeva rolls out of the ring.
Shamoon: Alf, this has been nuts from jump!
Dominga (takes deep breath): MADNESS! It's been Madness!
A.B.: Glad you're still with us. Oh no! We know what's coming.
Henare holds Chakir by the hair in his right hand. Manu holds Chelem in his left hand. Both men hold up thumbs with their free hands, each wearing gloves coated in red glitter, and cock them all the way back with synchronised roars.
Dominga: It's over!
A.B.: SAMOAN SPIKES- No! The Jabbars duck! Schoolboy Roll-up by Chakir- And Chelem with a low-blow! A blatant low-blow behind the referee's back!
Dominga: Do what you gotta do, I guess.
Manu is hunched over. Chelem uses the ropes for a running somersault over him, grabbing the big man's head and driving it to the mat.
A.B.: Throwback by Chelem! Kick out by Henare.
Henare makes it to one knee. Chelem hits a Discus Boot to one side of his face, Chakir hits a Busaiko Knee to the other side.
A.B.: Beautiful combination by the Jabbars!
Dominga: Where were they hiding that?!
Shamoon: I told you these guys were legi- Manu's back up! The Tongan Terror is back on his feet!
A.B.: But look at this! The Track Queens! The Track Queens opposite sides of the apron! Springboard...
Dominga: ¡DIOS MÍO!
A.B.: DOUBLE MISSILE DROPKICK! KAIVAO MANU'S SKULL JUST GOT SANDWICHED BETWEEN 16 WHEELS!!!!
Shamoon: Those are 90A Polyurethane! HOW IS HE STILL ON HIS FEET?!
A.B.: NO, HE'S NOT! Manu is down! Face down on the mat! But now Henare is back up!
The 6'6" Maori Menace charges at the twins.
Dominga: Evey time they get one of these monsters on the back foot, the other is right back in-
The Jabbars shoot low, grab each leg and lift the 265-pounder up.
Dominga: Nevermind!
A.B.: Double Flapjack by JabbarTV! Where on Earth was this offence last week?
The Jabbars kip up to a huge pop, Chakir spreads his arms and flexes. Chelem beats his chest, making Tarzan noises. Asovale growls on the outside, slapping the mat screaming "MANU! HENARE, GET UP! GET UP!"
Shamoon: You got the Madness down, guys! Don't waste time showboating!
Dominga: No, keep wasting time it'll be funnier that wa- ¡Dios Mio, again!
A.B.: Double Basement Dropkick! Henare was getting up to his knees, trying to shake the cobwebs and the Track Queens put him back down! And now the cover!
Elsa and Eeva both cover Henare. Holiday starts counting.
A.B.: The Jabbars break it up! Pulling Elsa and Eeva off the cover.
Dominga: Of course, they did. What kind of "Queens" try to steal a win?
Shamoon: Triple threat rules, Dominga! Every team for themselves.
A.B.: And now, these teams are back in each other's faces.
Chakir: What are you doing?!
Elsa: Trying to win the match!
Chakir: WE took him down, not you! He was ours!
Chelem: You should have pinned the other guy!
Elsa (pulling her hair while shaking her head): That's NOT how it WORKS!
Eeva: IDIOOTIT!!!
A.B.: Chelem with a right hand to Eeva!
Dominga: Big instigator, that one.
Chelem (bent over, pointing at the downed Fin): Shut up! Shut the hell up! Who are you calling an idi-?
A.B.: Elsa with an Axe Kick! Wheeled-heel to the back of Chelem's neck! Now, Chakir with clothesline, taking Elsa down! Kick to the knee by Eeva, now she's going after Chelem, mounting him with punches. Chelem throwing her off; rolling to the outside, but Eeva going after him. They're brawling on the outside- ASOVALE! Lulu Asovale knocking Eeva and Chelem over like bowling pins!
Shamoon: She can't do that! She's not in this match! Holiday-
Dominga: Triple threat rules, Aaz! That means no disqualification. The ref's as much a spectator as we are.
Chakir and Elsa cease their own animosity the moment their partners are taken out. They look at each other, then glare at Asovale on the outside, who simply laughs while the crowd gets louder and LOUDER!
Shamoon: Turn around, guys! TURN AROUND!
Realisation comes far too late. Manu and Henare's hands are already gripping them by the hair, their free-handed thumbs already extended, their throats already vibrating from their synchronous symphony of savagery.
A.B.: SAMOAN SPIKES!
Dominga: That's it! It's over.
Henare suddenly shoves Manu, loud, fleshy slaps piercing through the noise of the crowd.
Henare: MANU! FLY!
Shamoon: What did he say? What did he just say?!
A.B.: He just told him to- No way...
Dominga: Dios mío tercero...
Henare drags both Chakir and Elsa, lining up their bodies near the turnbuckle, as Manu climbs it, facing away.
Shamoon: He... He can't do this... Manu, he can't do this! HE'S 350 POUNDS, HE CAN'T DO THIS!
The crowd is on their feet. The Tongan leaves his. Two very high-pitched screams are heard on either side of Balducci, one of them belonging to the women, but neither are louder than his own.
A.B.: MOONSAULT! MANUSAULT! 350 POUNDS FLYING, FLIPPING THROUGH AIR AND CRUSHING FILIPSSON AND JABBAR!!! PER L'AMORE DI DIO, HOLIDAY! END THIS MATCH! END. THIS. MATCH!
Manu pins Chakir and Elsa, Henare sits on his back, gripping his shoulders, adding more weight. Both grin and growl as Holiday counts the 1... 2... 3!
Briar Lane: Here are your winners... THE MADNESS!!!
Shamoon: We need some help out here! We might have human pancakes! Get off of them, dammit! Get off them!
The two monsters stand as their music blasts through the speakers. Holiday tries to raise their hands, but Asovale slides into the ring and chases her off. She then pounces on her two "brothers", grabbing them each in a headlock while laughing, and squealing like a schoolgirl before raising both their hands in victory. Eeva and Chelem are clutching their heads and writhing on the floor outside.
A.B.: A statement victory!
Dominga: It was an exclamation point, Alf! We're in the Madness's house! The Madhouse! Hahaha! Get it?!
Shamoon: That is NOT funny! Can we get some medics out here? Now? Elsa and Chakir are barely moving!
Dominga: They shouldn't be moving at all, but credit where it's due. The Queens and the Jabbars? They're actually pretty tough. You know what else is tough? Chewing gum, and the Madness just put them under their boots. I almost feel bad for Cobra and Ngozi. They have to follow this.
A.B.: If anyone can, it's the Empress! And if any Madhouse team can ever stand up to the powers of Pandemonium on the Fight Pit for those Tag Team titles, it is the Madness!
Asovale spreads her arms, while Manu on her right and Henare on her left each let out one final, triumphant roar.
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