A virtuosic guitar accompanied by heavy rock riffs plays to a pop. The two big screens show a honey badger going about its day: burrowing, climbing, looking cute, biting the balls of lions. The man himself briskly walks out, looking small, rabid and wounded.
David Bekker: On the way to the ring, from Hoedspruit, Limpopo, South Africa, standing 168 centimetres and weighing in at 104 kilos, the Honey Badger!
SDS: Diogo, I still cannot believe this man is moving around after last week.
DS: Same here, companheiro! Montani's a palhaço, but he's a BIG man with... what you say, boxing?
SDS: Since he was a child.
DS: He was dishing out death blows with his fists, and this man, Badger, just kept getting up and giving out.
SDS: You can see the bandages around his head. If Head Referee Joe Wilson hadn't called a stop to that match, his skull would have been shattered.
DS: Yeah, and then Wilson got his brain scrambled.
SDS: Which led to Montani's suspension, which is why I'm still trying to understand how he got to Grizzly's truck.
DS: We got any updates from that?
SDS: Apparently, Brendan Steele and his men have been herding people out of the Champion's warpath. Nothing other than furniture has gotten broken so far. Jeffrey Campbell needs to resolve that situation quickly.
Badger climbs onto the apron and rolls under the bottom rope. He gets to his feet and slaps his own bandaged head before screaming.
SDS: Something very wrong with this man.
DS: It's called "Psycho" Style Wrestling for a reason, Darryl.
SDS: I can't argue with that, but he's in there with another heavy hitter in his own right.
Some Hawaiian music remixed with alternative rock starts playing. The crowd pops as a large Hawaiian man with a green lei, tye-dyed orange tights and a long wizard beard. He throws up to shaka-signs before slapping hands with fans on the way down.
David Bekker: And his opponent, from Ewa Beach, Hawaii in the USA, standing 185 centimetres and weighing in at 130 kilos, Kala Kahuna!
DS: Again with the stolen valour.
SDS: What are you talking about?
DS: A Kahuna is supposed to be an expert in something, right? That's something you have to earn. What's this guy an expert in? He's out here in sandals, so it can't be wrestling. Or grooming, if you look at that beard.
SDS: First of all, facial hair like that takes time, patience and effort, and I applaud him for it. Second, he's won multiple titles. He was PPW's Heavyweight Champion, which is why he was chosen for the Dominion Gauntlet at the Super Fight.
DS: And how did that go?
SDS: He was the first man eliminated by Kruscher, but there's no shame in that.
DS: Just keep telling yourself that.
Kahuna climbs the steps and enters the ring, once again throwing both shakas to another great reaction.
SDS: Interestingly enough, these two never crossed paths despite being in PPW at the same time. This should be a-
The Badger suddenly jumps on his back and starts pulling at his beard and choking him with his own lei.
SDS: What the hell is this?!
DS: Badger's gone nuts!
Referee Damaso Gasco tries to pull him off to no avail. He then just shrugs and signals the start of the match.
DS: This ref's a dick!
SDS: Badger like a rabid animal.
Kahuna tells him to just ring the bell before backing into a corner and forcing Badger to let go.
SDS: Kahuna creating separation, trying to get his bearings. Badger climbing the top turnbuckle. DIVING BULLDOG! Kahuna is down. Cover. Kickout at 2 by Kahuna.
Badger grabs the Kahuna by his long, shaggy hair and starts headbutting over and over.
DS: How you gonna headbutt a Hawaiian with your head wrapped like a mommy?! This man, Badger, is next-level nuts!
Kahuna gets to one knee and shoves Badger with great force, but the small man recovers and charges quickly.
SDS: Thrust Kick by Kahuna! Badger's down!
DS: NO, HE'S NOT!
SDS: How does he keep doing this?!
Badger rushes again, but Kahuna grabs him and throws him in the air.
DS: BADGER'S UP!
SDS: SNAP POWERSLAM! Kahuna caught Badger out of the air with a picture-perfect Snap Powerslam!
DS: Badger's down for real! He's not moving.
Kahuna throws his lei into the crowd and exits the ring to climb the turnbuckle. The crowd cheers.
SDS: Here it comes! We're about to see Air Kala!
Kahuna holds up the shakas and then leaps off the turnbuckle.
SDS: NO ONE HOME! Badger moved out of the way!
DS: I knew it was too good to be true.
Badger starts running the ropes, just as Kahuna gets up to his knee once more. The South African uses the momentum to drive his knee into the side of the Hawaiian's head.
SDS: KNEE TREMBLER!
Badger goes for the cover.
Gasco: 1! 2! 3!
The bell rings, and Badger's music plays. The man himself gets to his feet, screaming and shaking his head about, throwing spit everywhere while Gasco raises his hand. The crowd mostly boos, but some cheer the sheer insanity.
SDS: I cannot believe what I just saw!
DS: I'm surprised you're not complaining about Badger jumping him before the bell and the ref just starting the match anyway.
SDS: I was about to.
Kahuna slowly sits up, clutching his temple. He looks at Badger, expression unreadable as he gets to his feet. The South African spins around.
SDS: I think they're about to go another round!
Gasco leaves, his job done.
DS: Where'd they find that guy?
Suddenly, a familiar roar is heard, followed by a driving, percussion-focused guitar riff.
SDS: It's Paul Grizzly! It's the Champion!
DS: I thought you said they were herding him out of here!
SDS: I said they were herding people out of his way!
Both Kahuna and Badger stare at the stage as the Champion briskly marches down to the ring. As he steps over the rope, they both know what's up. Badger is first to lunge and gets slapped so hard he spins before collapsing.
SDS: Badger's down.
DS: I think for real this time.
The Hawaiian is more hesitant, even backs up slightly, but then he just throws up his hands and charges as well.
SDS: Kahuna on the attack! Heavy blows backing the Bear into the ropes!
Grizzly grabs Kahuna by the throat with both hands, headbutts him and throws him OVER the ropes.
SDS: Never mind.
He then kicks Badger's comatose body out of the ring as well.
DS: He just cleared the ring!
SDS: With ease!
Grizzly demands a microphone and stands in the centre of the ring. His ring.
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