A virtuosic guitar accompanied by heavy rock riffs plays to a pop. The two big screens show a honey badger going about its day: burrowing, climbing, looking cute, biting the balls of lions. The man himself briskly walks out, looking small and rabid.
David Bekker: The following contest is scheduled for one fall! On the way to the ring, from Hoedspruit, Limpopo, South Africa, standing 168 centimetres and weighing in at 104 kilos, THEEEEEEE HONEY BADGEERRRRRR!
SDS: The last time we saw this man, he was sent flying like a boomerang by the World Dominion Champion, Paul Grizzly.
DS: Yeah, after he got pinned by Kahuna in the tag team match and then went crazy, squeezing his balls.
SDS: "Went" crazy?
Badger rolls into the ring and begins beating himself in the head with both fists.
SDS: Well, two weeks ago, Badger got a pinfall in a singles match. Kahuna won't be able to rely on tag team chaos here.
Some Hawaiian music remixed with alternative rock starts playing. The crowd pops as a large Hawaiian man with a green lei, tie-dyed orange tights and a long wizard beard. He throws up to shaka-signs on the way down.
David Bekker: And his opponent, from Ewa Beach, Hawaii in the USA, standing 185 centimetres and weighing in at 130 kilos, KALA KAAAAHUNAAAA!
SDS: The final ever PPW Heavyweight Champion, who's been having a rough time since PSW began, largely due to his opponent. You have to believe a decisive win here will get him on track.
DS: But a loss could send him spiralling.
Kahuna stops at the base of the ramp, staring daggers at the Badger, who glares back from within the ring. The Hawaiian slowly removes his lei and throws it to the crowd before sliding into the ring.
SDS: Badger immediately on the attack! The bell hasn't even rung yet!
DS: Wasting no time.
SDS: We saw this last week and two weeks ago. The Honey Badger with these pre-match attacks on Kahuna.
Kahuna weathers the assault and gets his feet under him. He rises, throwing the smaller man into the air and catching him with an open-palm uppercut on the way down.
SDS: Kahuna with a Pop-Up Throat Thrust!
DS: He almost took his head off! But Badger's still alive.
Referee Bryan Mbuemo blocks Kahuna, forcing him back as the Honey Badger shakes his head and stumbles to his feet.
SDS: Referee trying to restore order. And there's the bell.
Badger charges at Kahuna, only to be sidestepped, running into the turnbuckle pad and falling back from the impact.
SDS: Badger with the head of steam. Kahuna with the veteran wiles!
DS: HE HIT THAT CORNER LIKE A CANNON!
SDS: Kahuna with an Elbow Drop! And then another! Now the cover. Badger kicked out before 1!
DS: Man, he just built different. Come on!
Kahuna grabs Badger's head and gets jabbed in both eyes. He stumbles, turning away, allowing Badger to chop block his left knee.
SDS: Badger's got the big man down. Look at this, forearms to the back of the knee!
Kahuna kicks Badger in the face with his free foot. His wrapped foot, with exposed toes. Badger eats two of those kicks and then grabs the third.
SDS: What the- He's biting him! The Honey Badger is biting Kala Kahuna's toes!
DS: This is why we wear boots, kids!
Kahuna screams and kicks, but Badger doesn't stop biting.
Mbuemo: Come on, Badger, enough of that freaky sh--! 1! 2! 3! 4!
Badger stops biting, but not without having drawn blood. He smiles and licks his teeth.
DS: This guy, man! Where the hell did Campbell find him?
SDS: I have no idea.
Kahuna stands up, leaving partial bloody footprints.
Mbuemo: Kahuna, that cut looks a little bad. We might wanna stop this.
Kahuna (waving): I'll be fine, brotha. Keep it going.
SDS: I don't think that's wise.
DS: Does he know how messy these mats get?
Badger lunges again, going for the legs. Kahuna sprawls, bringing his full weight to halt his attack. Badger just wriggles and twists to bite him in the pecks, forcing Kahuna to scream and get off him.
SDS: Badger holding on with his teeth!
DS: Somebody lock this man up! Get those cops back in here.
Mbuemo pulls Badger off yet again, but before he can warn him again, the smaller man sprints around both men and chop blocks the Hawaiian's left knee once more.
SDS: Badger now with a Single-Leg Boston Crab. What's so terrifying about him is that, call him whatever you want, this man is a technically sound mat wrestler.
DS: Sim, companheiro. He knows what he's doing. Which is why he should be muzzled, put in a straitjacket, and given a lobotomy!
Kahuna drags himself to the bottom rope.
Mbuemo: Alright, break the hold!
Badger obeys and then stomps on that same knee, over and over and over before the ref pushes him away.
SDS: Kahuna rolling to the outside. That knee is definitely compromised.
The former Heavyweight Champion limps on the outside and then gets caught by a Suicide Diving Headbutt from the Badger.
SDS: Dolphin Dive! And now it's back to the knee again. Stomping away on the outside!
Mbuemo: Get back in the ring! 1... 2... 3...
Kahuna manages to shove Badger away, but the latter comes back and boots him in the face. Badger then Front Facelocks Kahuna.
Mbuemo: 4... 5...
SDS: DDT on the outside!
DS: Kahuna's got to be out.
SDS: Badger now back in the ring. Breaking the count. Now back on the apron- OH MY GOD! Badger with a Diving Knee Drop on the back of Kahuna's neck!
DS: He's out for blood! The ref needs to call this! And then call animal control!
The crowd boos heavily as Badger hits another knee drop, although this time it's from the standing position.
SDS: He's trying to cripple him! A hundred kilos dropping on your neck is not a joke no matter how big you are!
Badger gets back in the ring, and Mbuemo starts his count again from "1..."
SDS: Kahuna's not moving.
Mbuemo: 2... 3... 4... 5...
DS: Count to 50. He's out!
Mbuemo: 6...
SDS: Kahuna's stirring.
Mbuemo: 7...
DS: He's barely moving. This is a count-out victory for Badger!
Mbuemo: 8...
SDS: Kahuna on all fours. I don't know if he remembers where he is.
Mbuemo: 9...
DS: It's over! It's over!
Badger turns his back, throwing up his fists in celebration. Kahuna gets up to his good knee.
Mbuemo: T-
SDS: Kahuna beats the count! Rolling into the ring at the last second. That. Was. Close!
The sound of the cheering crowd alerts Badger. He turns around and sees Kahuna, pushing himself off the mat. The Afrikaner rages and charges yet again.
SDS: Knee Trembler! That's the same move he beat Kahuna with two weeks ago.
DS: Now it's over.
Badger rolls Kahuna onto his back and pins him.
Mbuemo: 1! 2- HOLD IT!
SDS: Kahuna got his foot on the rope! Kahuna got his foot on the rope and the referee saw it!
DS: That's a stupid mistake! You always hook the leg!
Badger roars in frustration and stomps on that same leg, which causes Kahuna to groan and grab it. He then moves away and crouches.
Badger (slapping his knee and stomping repeatedly): Come on, get up! Get up, Big Kahuna! Get up!
Kahuna once again gets to all fours and crawls for a bit.
SDS: Badger setting up for another Knee Trembler. If he hits this, with Kahuna away from the ropes-
DS: THEN it's over!
At the exact moment, Kahuna gets up to one knee, Badger sprints.
SDS: CLOTHESLINE BY KAHUNA! BADGER GETTING TURNED INSIDE OUT!
DS: But he's back up! BADGER'S BACK UP!
SDS: Gut punch by Kahuna! Double Axehandle to the back!
Kahuna, limping slightly, grabs Badger by the mohawk and the waistband of his pants and sends him shoulder-first into a corner post. He then pulls him out of th corner and full force Irish whips him into the opposite corner. Badger's back hits the pads with a thud, and he falls forward, groaning. And then he pops up yet again and rushes forward with reckless abandon.
DS: Demônio maldito! HE CANNOT BE STOPPED!
SDS: Kahuna with a kick to the gut. There's another Axe Handle. What is it going to take?
Kahuna places Badger's head in between his legs, then lifts the Limpopo native over his shoulder and holds both his arms in a cross position.
Kahuna places Badger's head in between his legs, then lifts the Limpopo native over his shoulder and holds both his arms in a cross position.
SDS: Crucifix Powerbomb position. We're about to go Cruisin' with Kala- No! That left knee buckled! Badger slips out. Chop Block again!
Badger starts running the ropes.
DS: For real this time... IT'S OVER!
SDS: KNEE TREMBLER! Shoulders down. Leg hooked.
Mbuemo: 1! 2! 3!
David Bekker: Here is your winner, THEEEEEE HONEEEYYYY BADGEEEEEERRRRR!!!!!
The rock riffs return as Badger gets to his feet, immediately demanding to get his hand raised. Mbuemo complies. The crowd is mixed. Some boo, some cheer.
SDS: A statement victory. Say what you want about how he achieved it, Badger once again scores in one-on-one action.
As Badger continues his celebration, climbing onto the turnbuckles, Kahuna rolls out of the ring and quietly limps up the ramp.
SDS: That's a defeated man if I ever saw one. I hope this isn't the last we see of him.
DS: I'd say it was time to hang up the boots, but he don't even wear shoes. HAHAHA!
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