SDS: Here comes something of a grudge match in its own right.
DS: Huh?
SDS: Don't you remember?
Out walks a lean Lebanese man with a buzz cut, trimmed beard and black trunks with foot wraps instead of boots.
David Bekker: The following contest is a No Holds Barred match-up scheduled for one fall! Introducing first from Beirut, Lebanon, standing 180 centimetres and weighing in at 100 Kilos, RAMI AAARSLAAAN!!
DS: Remind me again, why we're having a No-Holds Barred match. Who did this guy piss off?
SDS: You seriously don't recall what happened during the Triple Threat Thunderweight Match last week?
DS: Cara, put on a replay! "You seriously don't recall-" There were like 50 matches last week!
SDS: Sorry, I guess asking a commentator to remember matches was too big of a task. Alright then, let's have a look.
The big screens show the highlights of Kevin "Killer Wasp" Kambole vs Rami Arslan vs Raquel Santana. Kambole, the high-flying, capoeira-practising Zambian being a house on fire, blitzing around the ring.
It cuts to Arslan ducking under Springboard Crossbody by Kambole, who eats a big boot from Santana while in mid-air.
It cuts to Arslan ducking under Springboard Crossbody by Kambole, who eats a big boot from Santana while in mid-air.
Santana: Sim! (bends over to point at Kambole) Como se sente, hein?!
As she gloats, Arslan moves behind and slaps her hard on the butt, causing her to yelp and bolt upright. He places an arm over her shoulder, and she angrily tries to elbow him. He blocks the elbow, hooks his leg around hers and performs a Rolling Kneebar to force her to tap out.
DS: Wait, let's rewind. I didn't see it.
SDS: Okay...
The video replays up to just before the butt slap, then continues as described.
Arslan leaves the ring without looking back. Santana clutches her knee, while Kambole rubs his jaw and hits the mat in frustration. The aforementioned Ekwueme appears on the stage. The 206-centimetre Nigerian pimp lookalike applauds the Phoenician, who simply looks up at him before heading to the back.
DS: Wait, let's rewind. I didn't see it.
SDS: Okay...
The video replays up to just before the butt slap, then continues as described.
DS: Can you show it again? I still don't see it.
SDS:...
The video replays.
DS: One more time. Maybe in slow motion... zoomed in and enhanced.
Stroligo Knife Edge Chops Santos in the chest.
SDS (pulling his hand back): OW!
DS (opens up shirt): Chest protector, too, companheiro! (raises eyebrows) I came prepared!
Arslan wipes his feet before entering the ring, watching the big screens with an impassive smirk.
SDS (shaking his hand and growling): ... What we didn't get to see was a confrontation that took place later that night between Arslan and Santana. Captured by an O.R.D.R.L.I. and circulating online.
The feed appears. Arslan is seen wearing a towel and drinking water by the canteen of the Anvil Arena in Pisco last week.
Santana: Hey!
Arslan lifts his head as the former bodybuilder comes into frame.
Santana: You think you funny?! You think... You think I am... toy for you to play with?
Arslan (stands up, looks her up and down): Maybe I do. What are you going to do about it?
Santana (gets in close): Kick your ass! (jabs a finger in his chest) Next week, you and me!
Santana (gets in close): Kick your ass! (jabs a finger in his chest) Next week, you and me!
Arslan: No, thanks.
He turns his back to her, and she kicks him square in the balls.
DS: Oh, I've made that mistake plenty of times.
As Arslan doubles over, grabbing his crotch, Santana reaches between his legs to grab one arm and then hooks the other arm from behind. She then lifts him up with a Pumhandle and slams him through a clothed table.
Santana (stands over him): E AGORA, SUA VADIA? ME ENFRENTA!
She walks away, and the feed ends.
SDS: Apparently, Arslan would go on to accept the challenge, but demanded a No Holds Barred quote on the advice of council, end quote. And here we are.
A common rock theme plays as she marches out, mouthing off along the way. She has long, black locks and tanned skin, wearing a black sports bra, trunks, knee pads, wrist tape and boots.
David Bekker: And the opponent, from São Paulo, Brazil, standing 183 cm and 91 kilos, RRRRRRAQUEL SAAAAANTAAAANAAA!
DS: Okay, I already said before, I got a lot of love for this girl-she's from my city, and she's hot- but what the hell is she thinking? This guy nearly tore her leg off, and she wants to get in there with him, one-on-one, with NO RULES?
SDS: Hell hath no fury, Diogo. I just hope it hasn't blinded her.
SDS: Hell hath no fury, Diogo. I just hope it hasn't blinded her.
Santana runs up the stairs and springboards over the ropes, landing on her feet and getting in Arslan's face, continuing to mouth off in Portuguese
SDS: Can you hear her? What's she saying?
DS: Haha! You don't want to know.
Referee Damaso Gasco has to pull them apart. As he raises his hand to call for the bell, an Afrobeat instrumental plays.
SDS: What the- It's Diamond Jack! It's Diamond Jack Ekwueme.
The very large bald Nigerian man walks down the ramp in his sleeveless purple pimp jacket and diamond-studded sunglasses.
DS: CORROMPIDO! What the hell is he doing here?
SDS: I... I think he's coming over here.
DS: What?
SDS: Diamond Jack is on his way to join us at commentary.
Ekwueme approaches the table, and Stroligo stands to greet him.
Ekwueme (waving his hand, while taking a free headset): Please. Abeg, Mr Stroligo, no stand up for me. I just come here to enjoy the scenes.
SDS (sitting down
Arslan watches Ekwueme with a raised eyebrow, giving Santana his back yet again, as Gasco calls for the bell.
SDS: And now Santana! Attacking Arslan from behind! Wailing on him with heavy strikes.
Ekwueme (sits down): No turn your back o. This babe get fire for body, abi?
SDS: That she does, and she is unleashing it tonight.
DS: She's stomping away at him in the corner, and the ref can't do anything to stop it.
Santana storms away from the corner, throwing up her hands and screaming, rallying the fans as she rushes to the opposite corner and runs back, performing a Handspring Back Elbow on Arslan.
SDS: Beautiful move by the Brazilian!
DS: (glares at Ekwueme) It was you, wasn't it?
Ekwueme: Enh?
DS: You the "council" Arslan spoke to to make this match.
Ekueme: I no even know wetin you dey talk about.
DS: Don't play dumb with me, man. I know you! What you up to?
Ekwueme: Helena and Cecilia dey fine, in case you dey wonder—
DS: LEAVE MY EX-WIVES OUT OF THIS!
SDS: Santana, one more time, going for the Handspring- CAUGHT! OOOH! Arslan with almost a Back Suplex on the turnbuckle.
Ekwueme: Jesus God, he could have brokoon her neck!
SDS: Indeed, he could have. It makes me wonder what your interest in him is? What a brutal kick!
Ekwueme: How you go know say I dey here for am? I dey follow Ms Santana for VaniTea. She's quite the specimen, but pity say she no get sense.
Arslan grabs Santana's ankle and drags her out of the corner, but she kicks him away and gets to her feet.
SDS: Santana swinging wildly- Caught- Excellent Judo Throw by Arslan, but no follow-through. No pin or submission attempt, he just backs off.
DS: He's mocking her, Daryl. Don't fall for it, mina!
She falls for it and then falls back on her ass when he Bicycle Kicks her in the face.
Ekwueme: Precise!
SDS: There's the cover by Arslan- No, Santana kicks out! I have to follow up on Diogo's question. Was it you who talked Arslan into this match, and if so, what is your relationship?
Ekwueme: Me or my people fit don suggest small things, but I swear, this match and all these rules na him idea entirely.
SDS: Well, that's good to know, but you didn't-
Ekwueme: No relationship. Just interest.
SDS: Which is?
Ekwueme: Iron sharpens iron, and I have an appreciation for a man with an edge.
Ekwueme: Iron sharpens iron, and I have an appreciation for a man with an edge.
DS: I'll show you an edge, fodão.
SDS: Behave. Arslan, in the North to South position. Santana trying to fight out of it. Now side control. Pinning predicament.
Gasco: 1-
SDS: Santana gets the shoulder- Bože moj and elbow to the temple by Arslan! Moving to half guard. Now closed guard.
Arslan crawls backwards out of this position, until only his head is between her legs.
DS: What's he doing? This is a family show.
SDS: The strength of Arslan, deadlifting Santana off the mat... for a powerbomb!
The Filipino crowd boos. Some look bored.
SDS: Outside of a flurry at the beginning, it has been all Arslan here.
DS: I still don't get what the No Holds Barred stip was for. He hasn't reached for a weapon once.
Ekwueme: He is a weapon, Diogo.
DS: Don't call me Diogo. We ain't friends.
Arslan (stands over her and bends down): One chance. We end this. Say it. (slaps her) SAY IT!
SDS: Arslan trying to tell Raquel to forfeit the match.
DS: Just do it, before he stops playing around.
Santana slaps him back, which gets a mild pop.
SDS: Santana defiant!
Ekwueme: So much spirit for one so green.
Arslan walks away, shaking his head and giving her his back yet again. The Phoenician approaches the edge, facing the commentary desk as she gets to her feet, wiping her mouth and clutching the back of her head. Once again, she charges, he sidesteps her and uses her momentum to throw her out of the ring.
Ekwueme: I think e don reach time now.
SDS: Time-...-T-Time for what?
Ekwueme just discards his headset and stands up.
DS: I knew it! I KNEW IT!
SDS: B-But- But what is he- He- He's got Raquel! He's got Raquel Santana by the hair! What is going on?
Ekwueme makes eye contact with Arslan and then throws his thumb over his shoulder as the timekeeper's area, all the while Santana struggles and tries to fight out of his grip. The crowd finally starts to come back to life.
SDS: And now he's directing traffic. What happened to "No relationship"?
DS: The man is the snake, the snake oil and the salesman, Darryl! If he's breathing, he's lying!
Arslan exits the ring as Santana is thrown back in. Ekwueme climbs onto the apron and steps over the top rope as the young Brazilian scrambles to a vertical base once more.
SDS: I don't know what's about to happen, but Santana needs to wise up and get out of here.
Santana runs... at Ekwueme.
DS: Pelo outro lado, seu idiota!
Ekwueme catches her with a Spinning Side Slam.
SDS: Royal Flush!
DS: Great name, because he's a piece of-
SDS: Arslan has a chair!
The Phoenician slides into the ring, chair in one hand, microphone in the other.
SDS: That's why he wanted this stipulation. These two are going to bludgeon this woman, and there's nothing the ref can do to stop it!
DS: He don't look all that bothered.
Gasco just leans against a corner, looking at his watch.
DS: This is the third week I'm saying this. This ref is a DICK!
Arslan opens the chair and sets it down in the centre of the ring. Ekwueme takes off his jacket and hangs it on the ropes before taking a seat and holding out his hand for the microphone, which Arslan gives him.
SDS: Now, what are they doing?
DS: Ay, no...
SDS: What?
Ekwueme: Thank you, Mr Arslan. If you fit just bring her come?
SDS: Bring her for- Oh no. No, they can't be serious.
Arslan picks Santana off the mat by her hair, dragging and throwing her onto the big Nigerian's lap.
SDS: We're on live TV, for heaven's sake!
Ekwueme takes his right leg and drapes it over both her legs. He then pins her arms against her back with his left hand.
The crowd boos loudly. Not all of them, however.
Ekwueme: Now then, make I small small talk to the young men wey dey here and those wey dey watch us from house...
SDS: Put your children to bed, I'm begging you! Your sons, especially.
Raquel finally regains herself and realises the position she's in. She begins to desperately struggle in vain. Arslan just stands to the side with his arms folded.
Ekwueme: Wetin una need to understand, gentlemen, na say women be like horses...
SDS: WHAT THE HELL IS HE TALKING ABOUT?!
DS: This cara is crazy! What I been telling you?
DS: This cara is crazy! What I been telling you?
Ekwueme:... dem need strong hand and relentless effo't to tame their wild spirit!
He tosses the microphone, which Arslan catches, and brings his now free hand down hard on her backside. Santana lets out a shrill scream, which is captured by the very microphone that Arslan is holding in front of her face.
SDS: What the hell is he doing?! That's a grown woman, dammit! A professional athlete, and he's debasing her! Making a mockery!
Ekwueme continues his ASSault to a reaction that is 50% angry boos, 25% uncomfortable silence and another 25% perverted glee.
SDS: He has rings on his fingers! He might cut her open. STOP THIS!
Gasco just watches, tilting his head to get a better view.
Santana fights as much as possible, but every attempt is met with a harder and harder slap. Her screams of pain slowly morph into loud sobs, and then...
Santana: ¡PARE! PARE! EU DESISTO! EU DESISTO!
Diamond stops and asks for Arslan to raise the microphone to his face.
Ekwueme: This na English broadcast, darling!
Arslan lowers the mic back down to her
Santana (tearfully): I give up. Please, stop!
SDS: This is not right!
DS: No, it isn't...
Arslan raises the mic.
Ekwueme: What did I say? (looks at Gasco) You heard her, didn't you?
The ref shrugs and waves for the bell.
David Bekker: Here... is your winner...
Gasco points his thumb at Arslan before leaving the ring.
David Bekker: ... Rami Arslan!
The boos become a little more unified.
Ekwueme shoves Santana to the mat, leaving her to continue her sobbing. Arslan looks down at her, mic still in hand.
Arslan (points): I gave you a chance. Don't say I didn't. (squats down) Remember, I could have just broken your leg.
SDS: Well, isn't he charitable?
Ekwueme takes his jacket off the ropes and slips it back on before asking for the mic again.
Ekwueme: Mr Arslan, I fit rely on you for future matter, abi?
He extends a hand, and Arslan accepts.
DS: Better wash that hand after.
The Nigerian smiles, baring his grills before leaving. Arslan gives Santana another impassive smirk before leaving. Santana, for her part, hits the mat in frustration.
SDS: This is just awful. Arslan clearly showed he was the superior wrestler. That was apparent. There was no reason for any of this.
DS: ... I'm kinda glad it happened.
SDS: Of course, you are-
DS: Nah, man, listen. Getting humiliated is a rite of passage in this business.
SDS: That's the best you've got. Seriously?
Santana eventually rolls out of the ring and makes her way up the ramp, one hand on her red rump, the other over her red face.
DS: She's still breathing, she can still walk, and she learned a big lesson. Some beefs? You just got to let them go. You don't know who's rolling with who or what that means.
SDS: When you put it like that... I can't disagree.
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